Let’s just get this out of the way: if you drive like the road owes you money, this one’s for you.
Every single day, some lunatic in a 2009 Altima with two different colored doors flies past me doing 95 in a 45, no blinker, music blaring, half a vape cloud coming out the window. I’m convinced half of y’all think you’re in The Fast and the Furious when in reality… you’re just furious. And annoying.
The Blinker Is Right There, Chad. Use It.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but using your turn signal doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you a “beta.” It makes you someone who doesn’t want to cause a 12-car pileup because you decided last minute that Waffle House was more important than human lives.
It’s literally a flick of a finger. You scroll TikTok for three hours but can’t move your wrist half an inch to signal left? Make it make sense.
Tailgating: “Hunnay we’re not gonna date and you’re up on me like we’re at the club”
To the genius who’s six inches from my bumper: where exactly do you think we’re going? Through each other? You want to sit on my lap while I drive? I’m flattered, but no thanks.
You tailgate like you’ve got somewhere important to be, but I just watched you swerve into a Taco Bell drive-thru. You’re not late for a heart surgery. You’re late for a Crunchwrap.
Speed Limits Are Not Suggestions, NASCAR Reject
If the speed limit says 65, and you’re doing 90 while texting, eating a breakfast sandwich, and yelling at your Bluetooth speaker—maybe driving isn’t your thing. Maybe try walking. Or therapy. Or both.
You’re not “confident behind the wheel,” you’re just one dumb decision away from a court date and a GoFundMe.
The Left Lane Is Not Your Throne
This one’s for the left-lane campers. You know who you are. You’re doing 10 under with a smug little face like you’re teaching us all a lesson. Listen, Professor Slowpoke—get out of the way. No one’s learning anything except how to scream internally.
You’re not restoring order to the universe. You’re just being a pain in the ass.
Conclusion: Drive Like People Exist
At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to get somewhere without dying. It’s not that deep. Use your blinker. Keep a safe distance. Don’t drive like a caffeinated toddler behind the wheel of a missile.
Because if you’re out here treating the road like it’s your own personal video game, the only high score you’re going to get is in traffic fines and insurance rates.
Grow up. Drive like a decent human. And for the love of all that is holy, stay out of the fast lane if you’re doing the speed of sadness.