From One Addiction to Another: My Ongoing Journey with Weight, Sobriety, and Self-Worth

July 11, 2025 by gglaros Leave a comment

At my heaviest, I weighed 405 pounds. That number feels almost unreal to write now, but I remember exactly what it felt like to live in that body. The physical pain, the emotional burden, the shame that followed me into every room. In 2018, I made a life-changing decision and underwent gastric bypass surgery. It wasn’t an easy choice, but it was a necessary one. The weight came off—fast. I lost 225 pounds, and for the first time in a long time, I could breathe again. I could move again. I could live again.

But the thing about addiction is that it doesn’t just disappear when the source changes. I had spent most of my life using food as a crutch, a comfort, a way to silence the noise in my head and fill the emptiness in my heart. Once I couldn’t turn to food anymore, I turned to something else—alcohol.

What started as a casual drink here and there quickly spiraled into something darker. Between 2020 and 2021, I was in and out of rehab seven times. Each time, I walked in hoping this would be the one that stuck. Each time, I left with more insight but also more fear. Why couldn’t I get this under control? Why did I keep replacing one form of self-destruction with another?

In the midst of all this chaos, I made another major change: I moved from Delaware to Texas. I wanted a fresh start, and to some degree, I got one. The distance helped, but it didn’t cure me. That work—the deep, gut-wrenching, soul-searching work—had to come from within. And it took me a long time to even begin to face it.

Since that move in 2021, I’ve gained 75 pounds. That part’s hard to admit. After everything I’d gone through, the surgery, the recovery, the battles with addiction, I felt like I was slipping again. Slowly. Quietly. But this time, I caught it. I didn’t wait until I was completely buried in shame and old habits. I saw the warning signs, and I decided I wasn’t going back. Not all the way.

Now, I’m on a mission to lose 50 pounds—not just for my physical health, but for my mental and emotional wellbeing. Not for some number on the scale or to fit into clothes from a certain store. But to reclaim my sense of power. To prove to myself that I can keep showing up for me, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.

I’ve learned some hard truths along the way. Like how addiction can morph, how trauma doesn’t vanish with weight loss, and how recovery is never a straight line. I’ve also learned that grace matters more than perfection. That falling down doesn’t mean failure. And that telling the truth—about our pain, our choices, our dreams—is one of the bravest things we can do.

So here I am, once again at the starting line of a personal transformation. But this time, I’m not doing it in secret. I’m not carrying the shame alone. I’m putting it out there in the open, because I know I’m not the only one. Maybe you’ve gained some weight back. Maybe you’ve battled one addiction only to find another. Maybe you’ve moved halfway across the country searching for healing. Maybe, like me, you’re just trying to feel whole again.

This isn’t the end of my story. It’s not even a new beginning. It’s just the next chapter in a life that’s already been through a lot—and still keeps going. I’m learning to love the person I am while working on the person I want to be. And for the first time in a long time, I believe I can do both.

Thanks for reading. If you’re on a similar path, know that I see you. You’re not alone. Let’s keep going—one step, one meal, one day at a time.

Reckless Drivers: You’re Not Special, You’re Just An A** With a Steering Wheel

July 4, 2025 by gglaros Leave a comment

Let’s just get this out of the way: if you drive like the road owes you money, this one’s for you.

Every single day, some lunatic in a 2009 Altima with two different colored doors flies past me doing 95 in a 45, no blinker, music blaring, half a vape cloud coming out the window. I’m convinced half of y’all think you’re in The Fast and the Furious when in reality… you’re just furious. And annoying.

The Blinker Is Right There, Chad. Use It.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but using your turn signal doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you a “beta.” It makes you someone who doesn’t want to cause a 12-car pileup because you decided last minute that Waffle House was more important than human lives.

It’s literally a flick of a finger. You scroll TikTok for three hours but can’t move your wrist half an inch to signal left? Make it make sense.

Tailgating: “Hunnay we’re not gonna date and you’re up on me like we’re at the club”

To the genius who’s six inches from my bumper: where exactly do you think we’re going? Through each other? You want to sit on my lap while I drive? I’m flattered, but no thanks.

You tailgate like you’ve got somewhere important to be, but I just watched you swerve into a Taco Bell drive-thru. You’re not late for a heart surgery. You’re late for a Crunchwrap.

Speed Limits Are Not Suggestions, NASCAR Reject

If the speed limit says 65, and you’re doing 90 while texting, eating a breakfast sandwich, and yelling at your Bluetooth speaker—maybe driving isn’t your thing. Maybe try walking. Or therapy. Or both.

You’re not “confident behind the wheel,” you’re just one dumb decision away from a court date and a GoFundMe.

The Left Lane Is Not Your Throne

This one’s for the left-lane campers. You know who you are. You’re doing 10 under with a smug little face like you’re teaching us all a lesson. Listen, Professor Slowpoke—get out of the way. No one’s learning anything except how to scream internally.

You’re not restoring order to the universe. You’re just being a pain in the ass.

Conclusion: Drive Like People Exist

At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to get somewhere without dying. It’s not that deep. Use your blinker. Keep a safe distance. Don’t drive like a caffeinated toddler behind the wheel of a missile.

Because if you’re out here treating the road like it’s your own personal video game, the only high score you’re going to get is in traffic fines and insurance rates.

Grow up. Drive like a decent human. And for the love of all that is holy, stay out of the fast lane if you’re doing the speed of sadness.

Coming Out of the Shadows: My Story of Faith, Pain, and Freedom

June 28, 2025 by gglaros Leave a comment

My coming out story isn’t like everyone else’s—but I know, deep down, it’s one that many will relate to. It’s not wrapped in rainbows or filled with celebration. It’s not a neatly tied narrative with instant relief and acceptance. It’s a story of deep-rooted fear, spiritual trauma, internal battles, and eventually, freedom.

I grew up in a strict Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) church—a church that, in hindsight, operated more like a cult than a community. Everything was tightly controlled. What we wore, what we watched, who we spoke to, how we worshipped, what Bible version we read—it was all dictated by the leadership. Any deviation was seen not just as rebellion against the church, but against God Himself.

This church didn’t just preach salvation—they claimed a monopoly on it. Anyone outside of their narrow doctrine was either deceived or damned. Catholics, Muslims, atheists, even Christians from other denominations were considered lost. And the LGBTQ+ community? We were spoken about with disgust and condemnation, if we were acknowledged at all.

I was just a child when I started realizing I was different. By the age of seven, I knew I didn’t feel the way other boys were supposed to feel. But I had no idea how to name those feelings—only that they were wrong. At least, that’s what I’d been taught.

So I buried it.

I prayed. I cried. I begged God night after night to “fix” me. I believed I was broken, sinful, unworthy of love or heaven. Every time I had a thought or feeling that didn’t align with the rigid doctrine I’d been raised on, I spiraled into guilt and shame. For 21 years, I lived in hiding—constantly trying to change myself, constantly trying to be “acceptable” in the eyes of my church and my God.

But you can only suppress your true self for so long.

At 28 years old, everything came crashing down. Years of repression, anxiety, spiritual abuse, and self-loathing led to a complete mental breakdown. I was admitted to a psychiatric facility. And ironically, that place—so often viewed as a last resort or a sign of failure—became the place where I started to rise.

It was in that silence, away from the noise of religion and shame, that I began to hear myself again. I realized that the silence and fear I was living in were more harmful than anything that could ever come from telling the truth.

By then, my family had already left the cult-like IFB church, though we were still attending a more “traditional” Baptist church. The language was a little softer, but the beliefs were mostly unchanged. Fear still lingered—just dressed in nicer clothes.

Coming out was not an event—it was a process. I started with my friends, and thankfully, they showed me grace and support when I needed it most. Some were surprised. Some weren’t. But not one of them turned their back on me.

After that, I slowly opened up to my family. It wasn’t easy. There were a lot of long pauses, a lot of careful words, and in some cases, emotional distance. But I also found unexpected allies—people who were willing to walk with me even if they didn’t fully understand.

Eventually, I decided to reach out to my pastor. I wanted to be honest. I was tired of the half-truths and the fear of being found out. I wrote an email explaining who I was and where I stood.

His response?

“You’re still welcome to attend church. But you won’t be able to serve in any ministry, because of the choices you’re making.”

That hit me hard—not because I needed a platform, but because it was yet another confirmation that I was only welcome if I stayed silent. I could sit in the pews, but not belong. I could worship quietly, but not lead, not serve, not be seen as whole.

That kind of “tolerance” is just a softer form of rejection.

The healing didn’t come overnight. It never does. But piece by piece, I started rebuilding. Therapy gave me words for what I’d been through. Support groups showed me I wasn’t alone. Books, journaling, and long, hard conversations helped me unpack the years of spiritual trauma.

Most importantly, I learned to forgive.

I forgave the pastors who taught fear instead of love.

I forgave the church members who gossiped and judged.

I forgave the people who distanced themselves from me out of fear, confusion, or ignorance.

And perhaps most powerfully—I forgave myself.

I forgave myself for believing I was broken.

For hiding for so long.

For all the self-hate I had internalized over the years.

Forgiveness didn’t erase the pain, but it took the power away from it. It made room for healing, for hope, and for freedom.

And now, sharing my story has become a part of that healing. Every time I tell it, I take back another piece of what I lost. I stand a little taller. Breathe a little easier. Live a little more honestly.

If you’re reading this and you’re still stuck in the shadows, please know this: You are not alone. You are not wrong for being who you are. You are not broken. You are not disqualified from love, from purpose, or from faith.

The pain might still be there. Sometimes mine still lingers. But it no longer controls me. It’s no longer a prison. It’s a scar now—one that reminds me not of the damage, but of the strength it took to heal.

Living your truth won’t always be easy—but it will always be worth it.

You deserve the kind of peace that only comes from being fully, unapologetically you.

And you are never as alone as you think.

The Last Day of 34: A Reflection on Time, Growth, and Rediscovery

October 8, 2024 by gglaros Leave a comment

Today marks my last day being 34, and I find myself looking back at this past year with a mix of gratitude and reflection. It’s been a year of profound change, one that’s brought both challenges and rewards I never expected. Now, as I approach 35, I realize that I’m not only closing a chapter—I’m stepping into a new one with more clarity and appreciation for life.

Earlier this year, I went through one of the hardest moments I’ve faced in a long time: a relapse in February. After years of sobriety, slipping back felt like a major setback. It brought on feelings of disappointment and frustration. But in that difficult moment, I realized something important: recovery is not about perfection. It’s about resilience, learning, and getting back up when you fall. So I did. I made the decision to go to rehab, knowing that it wasn’t just about stopping the relapse—it was about finding my way back to the things that mattered most.

Rehab was a transformative experience. It gave me the tools and the space to rediscover myself, to heal, and to come out stronger on the other side. I learned to enjoy life again, but this time in a new way—one that’s more mindful, more present. I started appreciating the simple things, like the peace of a quiet morning or the joy of creating music again. Life feels different now, but in the best way possible. I’m no longer just going through the motions—I’m really living.

Since coming out of rehab, I’ve felt a shift in how I see the world and myself. I’m beginning to enjoy life in ways I hadn’t for a long time. I’ve found joy in the everyday moments, and I’m inspired again—by music, by new creative ventures, and by the people in my life who’ve stood by me. That sense of inspiration feels fresh and exciting, like I’m starting a new chapter that’s filled with possibilities.

As I say goodbye to 34, I’m filled with hope for what 35 will bring. The lessons of this past year have been invaluable, and I know they’ve shaped me into someone stronger and more grounded. Life after the relapse and rehab isn’t just about recovery—it’s about rediscovery. I’m looking forward to where this journey takes me next, and I’m ready for all the new experiences that are waiting.

Let’s see where 35 takes me.

Understanding Addiction: A Call for a Mental Health Approach

October 6, 2024 by gglaros Leave a comment

In recent years, our society has been entrenched in a war on drugs and alcohol, focusing heavily on punitive measures and criminalization. However, this approach often overlooks a critical aspect of addiction: its roots in mental health.

Having recently lost three dear friends to the grip of drugs and alcohol, I’ve come to deeply understand the importance of addressing addiction as a mental health issue rather than merely a criminal one. These losses have underscored for me that addiction is not just a failure of willpower but a complex interplay of psychological, emotional, and social factors.

Rather than treating addiction as a battle to be won with strict penalties and societal condemnation, we should advocate for a more compassionate and effective approach. By prioritizing mental health support and understanding, we can provide individuals struggling with addiction the tools and care they need to overcome their challenges and rebuild their lives.

This shift in perspective—viewing addiction through the lens of mental health rather than as a moral failing or criminal act—can lead to more effective treatment, reduce stigma, and ultimately save lives. It’s time we change the narrative and focus our efforts on healing and understanding.

The Traditional “War” Approach

For decades, the “War on Drugs” has shaped public perception and policy regarding addiction. We’ve been taught to see addiction as a personal failing, a moral weakness, or even a crime. This approach criminalizes people for their struggles with substances, putting the focus on punishment rather than healing.

While there’s no doubt that drugs and alcohol can destroy lives, focusing solely on eradicating substances doesn’t address why people turn to them in the first place. Instead, it often reinforces a cycle of shame, guilt, and relapse. We need to step back and consider what’s driving people to alcohol and drugs and stop treating substances as the enemy. The real issue lies beneath the surface.

Addiction Is Not a Moral Failure—It’s a Symptom

Alcoholism and drug addiction are often coping mechanisms for deeper mental health issues like depression, anxiety, trauma, or unresolved emotional pain. People don’t choose to become addicted; they turn to substances as a way to manage unbearable feelings or escape their circumstances. When we only treat addiction as a battle against drugs and alcohol, we miss the opportunity to address the root causes.

Understanding addiction as a mental health condition shifts the conversation away from blame and punishment toward compassion and treatment. By recognizing the psychological and emotional struggles behind addiction, we can begin to offer support that promotes healing rather than exacerbating the problem.

Mental Health Is the Key to Recovery

If we truly want to help people overcome addiction, we need to start by providing comprehensive mental health care. Substance use disorders are often tied to unresolved emotional wounds, trauma, or untreated mental health conditions. Without addressing these underlying issues, recovery becomes incredibly difficult, if not impossible.

Many people with addictions also suffer from co-occurring mental health disorders, such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, or bipolar disorder. If these mental health conditions are left untreated, they will continue to drive the desire to escape through drugs or alcohol. Proper mental health care can empower individuals to heal and find healthier ways to cope with their pain.

Breaking the Cycle of Shame

One of the most damaging aspects of the traditional approach to addiction is the stigma and shame it creates. People struggling with addiction are often seen as weak or immoral, which prevents them from seeking help. This isolation only deepens their addiction, making it harder to break free.

Instead of perpetuating shame, we need to approach addiction with empathy and understanding. Recognizing addiction as part of a larger mental health issue allows us to break down the barriers of stigma and offer real support. People who feel understood and accepted are far more likely to reach out for help and start their journey toward recovery.

What a Better Approach Looks Like

A more effective and humane approach to addiction involves:

Mental Health Support: Providing access to mental health services, including therapy, medication, and support groups, helps individuals address the root causes of their addiction.
Non-Judgmental Care: Creating a culture where people feel safe to seek help without fear of judgment or punishment is crucial. Addiction is a health issue, not a moral failure.
Holistic Treatment: Programs that combine mental health care with addiction treatment offer the best chances of recovery. This includes addressing trauma, emotional pain, and other psychological factors that contribute to substance use.
Community and Connection: Isolation fuels addiction, while connection fosters recovery. Supportive communities that understand the complexity of addiction and mental health can be life-changing for those seeking help.

Healing and Growth: Reflecting on my journey with and after leaving the IFB Church.

September 19, 2024 by gglaros 1 Comment

For years, I sought refuge in the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) Church, drawn by the promise of spiritual guidance and a community of faith. I longed for a deeper connection with God and believed that the IFB Church’s strict adherence to biblical teachings was the path I needed. However, my experience within this church turned out to be deeply damaging. Beneath the surface of their rigid doctrine lay a controlling environment where I was forced to hide a fundamental part of who I am—being gay.

The Pressure to Conform

In the IFB Church, there was an unspoken yet ever-present expectation to conform to a specific version of morality and gender roles. Anything that deviated from their narrow interpretation of the Bible was not only discouraged but condemned. As someone who identifies as gay, I quickly realized that my very existence was at odds with the church’s teachings.

I was taught that being gay was a sin—a choice that led only to damnation. This belief created a constant sense of fear, forcing me to hide my true identity to avoid rejection, judgment, and condemnation. In a place where I was supposed to feel accepted and loved, I felt like an outsider, constantly hiding who I truly was.

Living in Fear and Shame

The church’s stance on LGBTQ+ individuals wasn’t just strict—it was toxic. Pastors preached about the “sinfulness” of homosexuality, reinforcing the idea that people like me were inherently flawed. I was afraid of what would happen if anyone found out about my sexuality. I internalized this fear, convincing myself that my identity was wrong, sinful, and something to be ashamed of.

I prayed daily, asking God to “fix” me, believing that I had to change to be worthy of His love. But the more I tried to suppress my true self, the more disconnected I felt from both the church and my own sense of worth. This self-hatred was fueled by a constant fear of being outed, ostracized, or even publicly shamed, as I’d seen happen to others.

The Emotional Toll

The emotional toll of living in hiding was immense. The very community that should have been my support system became the source of my deepest pain. The pressure to conform to the IFB’s strict teachings made me question my worth, not just as a Christian but as a person. I was taught that God loved everyone, yet the church’s doctrine made it clear that people like me were an exception.

This experience caused long-lasting harm—eroding my self-esteem, my spiritual connection, and even my mental health. The constant shame and fear were overwhelming. I had to choose between living authentically and being part of a community that viewed me as inherently wrong.

Breaking Free

Leaving the IFB Church wasn’t an easy decision, but it was necessary for my emotional and spiritual well-being. I realized that I couldn’t continue to live a life where I had to suppress my true self. Stepping away allowed me to begin healing from the trauma of constantly hiding who I was.

Today, I am working on reclaiming my faith and my identity. I know that being gay does not make me less deserving of love or acceptance. I’ve found peace in knowing that God’s love isn’t conditional on fitting into a narrow doctrine. The journey is ongoing, but I’m finally free from the toxic environment that once made me feel like I had to choose between being myself and being loved.

In The End

My experience with the IFB Church is just one example of how religious environments that preach exclusion and judgment can deeply harm those who don’t fit into their strict molds. The church’s teachings forced me to hide a core part of who I am, leading to years of shame, fear, and emotional pain. However, stepping away from that environment has allowed me to begin healing and rediscovering my sense of worth, both as a person and in my faith. No one should have to choose between being themselves and being loved, and I hope that by sharing my story, others will find the courage to live authentically.

The Storm & Revelation

March 15, 2023 by gglaros Leave a comment

Storms rolled into Austin a few days ago. Rain, Thunder and Wind rolled in. Performing natures #1 hit. I found myself on the balcony listening to its magnificent tune. The best surround sound experience one would ever receive. The breeze rushing in at just the right angle for me to enjoy it without the rain giving me a second shower. I called my mom and talked while the storm rolled on. At one point I actually had to walk in due to the severity of the wind and lightening. We will call in half-time.

While talking with her, we brought up old wives tales told to us about how lightening will come through the window and “git (get)” us if we fail to lock the windows, bring down shades and sit in the middle of the room. If one were brave enough and open a window, we need a second window open on the opposite side of the house so lightening could pass through without wreaking havoc on us. We had a good laugh and finished the conversation. All the while, my brain was shifting into writing mode.

I lingered outside for a little while with a glass of tea and a snack. The sound of nature was just like listening to music but more peaceful. Sometimes, in songs, the music is drowned out by the lyrics and tempo. Almost as if the musical instruments hardly matters. Listening to the storm was like listening to a sweet and beautiful tune. No lyrics, no pattern, or tempo.

As I listened to the storm I started to drift off into peaceful meditation as if the storm was calming the some sort of storm inside. I sat there thinking about how I never really appreciate the present as much as I should. Do I ever just… STOP? or SLOW DOWN?

A lot has happened in my life and I forget about that sometimes. I haven’t been fully appreciative of where the past sent me. I worry so much about that journey and miss the enjoyment in its destination.

Where I am

So I sat, listening, breathing, being, not just existing but ACTUALLY present. I took the time that I deserved to relish in the beauty of life.

I feel that it’s times like these where the universe shows me what I can be. It’s like a trailer to a movie with an unknown release date. I’ve come to realize that I just need to slow down. I want to truly feel alive. To meditate in consciousness and gratitude.

When did I become so complacent? So disconnected? When I sit on the balcony I want to be a part of the environment around me. When I eat, I want to take time to chew and enjoy. When I am driving in the car I want to bring my awareness to the beauty in the scenery around me.

To sum it all up, I don’t designate enough time for connection with the universe. The storm brought a reset that was a long time coming. I sat in reflection. I will let this be the starting point.

Getting Back Up

December 13, 2022 by gglaros Leave a comment

We all go through our share of ups and downs. Things that go right in our lives and things that go wrong. Those ups and downs are inevitable. What isn’t inevitable, is how we react to them.

It was a tough day for me. When running this business, things can happen that negatively affects my business as a whole, and in turn, negatively effects my psyche. I lost a client today because I didn’t check after an employee at a house we were cleaning. There were issues with crumbs on the floor and table. I got so wrapped up in my own work that I didn’t think to check after the person working with me.

This caused a rather large client to end our business relationship. I was devastated. This was one of the only times I have had issues with a client and the first client I have lost because of it. I just sat in the house I was cleaning allowing all the pessimistic drivel enter my mind. I wanted to give up everything and change careers. I started the negative self-talk, thinking I am not good enough to run a business, that this is the start of the end.

I am still feeling it. I am depressed, upset with myself, my confidence dwindled to the back wash in a cup once filled with pride for my work and accomplishment.

I am at the crossroads of thought. Choosing to either: make a negative situation into a complete dismantling of what I built, or spin things around and turn it into a positive. But how? How do I turn this around when I am already spiraling downward into the abyss of despair?

Choosing to not go further

I can’t allow myself to sink any further. Like quick sand, the more I try to move and panic, the quicker my demise. I have to stop and think on this. Process what happened and the mistake that was made. Not using the thoughts to tear myself down, but use the time to meditate on the emotions I feel. I want to place a mental location pin on this moment and decide that I want out of this hole.

Stop beating myself up.

It takes a lot of discipline to not beat myself up. I conditioned myself years ago to think: “everything that happens in my life, is because of me, that I was broken. Most of you already know that I was a alcoholic and a drug abuser. Now that I am a year and a half sober, I have the mental stamina to see past the self-loathing and discover my own self-awareness. I am human, we all have our flaws, we all make mistakes. It’s going to happen to us. ALL OF US. Why do I beat myself up for something that we all do?

Think of all the good

I take a lot of time dwelling on one negative thing. So much, that the the good fades into the background. One bad situation, makes everything else irrelevant. One thing I am figuring out that I need to still see the bigger picture. All companies have their issues. It will NEVER be a smooth process. There will always be hookups. I had to start thinking about all the clients who are pleased with my work. Clients that are happy with the service I provide. I have all 5 stars on google. People are thrilled with the work I have done in their home. This one bad day does not define all the good ones. This one failure does not compare to all the accomplishments I have made building this company up. Now that my mindset is focused on the good, I feel better about the bad situation because good things are still to come.

Get back to it

The whole “falling off the horse” statement is a huge cliche but it’s still true. It is not the time to give up on what I have built. It should never be a time to give up. When running a business, If I throw in the towel after one lost client then there is no hope of me making it at all in this world. Everything has it’s moments of frustration, anger and sadness. However, relief, joy and happiness is right around the corner and I choose to not sit in the shit if you will. I am prepared to make this business even better. I am prepared to improve myself as well. Changing gears and moving on.

If anyone is going through something similar or have the similar display of emotions, I hope this helps you. Whether it’s a business, new job, school, relationship…etc, the wheel of emotion flows through all of us and its turned by the things that go on in our lives. This system of thought can help process our emotions.

Stop and let yourself feel these emotions. Meditate on them.
Love Yourself
Reflect on all the good in the world. In your world.
Get up. Start again. While your heart still beats.

It helped me just to write this. I am not going to continue to let this get me down. I am going to let it motivate me to grow and be better. As a business owner, as a lover and as a human.

I Love You…

September 15, 2022 by gglaros Leave a comment

“I Love You”. Three words that we say to people we care about. Friends, Family, Animals, your favorite meal, without a second thought.. However, when we say it to or have it said to us from a significant other, those words in the same english language, now take on a completely different meaning.

Being new to the relationship life has been a struggle for me. The only other relationship I’ve been in basically was me moving a guy in without money, car, job…etc and was basically supporting the both of us while dealing with his alcoholism and my travels down that same road. We were both very toxic to each other. I only became a meal ticket and a place to live.

This has been much different.

We have been dating for some time and realizing how well we match. Love was something that both of us were taking out time on. We didn’t want to rush into anything but LJ especially, was taking things slow due to the past and from just being out of his last relationship.

My feelings grew quicker without any control. I don’t quite remember the first time I knew but it definitely came quicker than his.

I have never been one to waste time with anything. Not saying that taking it slow is a waste of time but for me, if I know what I want, that settles it. I knew a little while after meeting him I knew that he worth trying. Love just happened in the midst of planning for my long term goals. I refrained from expressing my feelings to allow LJ the space he needed to figure his out.

We recently decided to move in together and we are officially making the move next week. Though it isn’t happening the way we’d like, we are moving forward with our plans anyway because we know it’s right.

Today, while shopping for furniture, standing in the middle of the showroom floor embracing each other.. getting excited about our future.. I hear LJ say without hesitation “I love you”. I never knew that the “butterfly feeling” was real. I thought it was a fake emotion and I’ve never felt it before. However, standing in between beds, nightstands, and marked down price tags.. being stalked by the sales department drooling for commission.. Those words hit light lightening and the butterflies were in flight.

We looked at each other and I said “Wait, are you serious?” he shakes his head and I am overjoyed. We are in love with each other. I said “I love you too” and we embraced.

I am not going to drag on the mushy drivel..

I wanted to express that I am not moving in with a room mate. I am not moving in with just someone I am dating. I am moving in with the love of my life and I am excited to see where we go from here.

I am here for it.

Forcing The Flow Of Life…

September 7, 2022 by gglaros Leave a comment

Like a creek flowing through the meadow, trickling live artwork of tranquility. Then, without mercy, heavy rains force this ever flowing beauty. It causes the creek to overflow and turn a once beautiful meadow into a valley and mayhem.

I like to think of this comparison when I try to take control of my life.

Living the life of recovery, I have realized one thing: There is someone or something guiding my life. It’s leading me down the path of life through its many twists and turns.

When I want something, it’s so hard for me not to take control and try to make it how I want it. In the past I forced my hand in situation only to gain a 50/50 result. There were times where it worked out, and other times when I fell flat on my face

Control

I can’t help but think about the time when I tried to drink responsibly after going down the path of no return. Stents in rehab meant nothing because this time was different. I tried to lie to myself and say that I had control over my drinking and I can be like the social drinkers. Slowly but surely however it was proven that I could not. Between the drinking and drugs I found myself back in the hole that I brought myself out of.

I realized that I never filled that hole back in with common f**king sense.

After living my life with over a year in sobriety I’ve found myself feeling complacent in my life. Even though so many things are happening in my life for the good since moving to Austin, I still feel like I need to do more. To force more success.

I have to catch myself every effing’ time and to sit back and relax. Most recently, my partner and I have decided to make the jump to move in together. We are in the process of house/condo/apartment hunting and while it’s happening in a steady pace I find myself wanting to rush things a long.

Some personal things have led to the need to find a home sooner than planned. Being me naturally, I am trying to get it done yesterday.

Relax

Now, more than ever, it’s the time to sit back and let things fall into place and stop trying to fit a corner puzzle piece in the the middle and expect the rest of the puzzle to be complete. It takes time to finish a puzzle and if I try to complete it without fitting the pieces where they need to go, it will make the puzzle chaotic and lack sense and meaning. Much like how I see life going every time I try to force my unsteady and naive.

The “Powers That Be” know what they’re doing. They’ve had practice since the beginning of time so they are clearly the experts.

In the end, I am human and like to take control. However, the best control I could ever have is to give it over. Control the situation by making the best decision possible and STOP.

To let go of control…

Ending.

Mostly I wrote this entry to help center my feelings of anxiety and situational depression. I realized trying to gain control caused me to lose control in other ways. My emotions started to unravel and my feelings started to get in the way of enjoying this period in my life. I mean, I am moving in with my boyfriend! This should be a special moment and I wasn’t allowing myself to feel it. I was allowing my need for control steal the joy away from me.

So I’ve decided I will just let things come and go as they are meant too.

No use creating a rain storm when the creek doesn’t need to water.