Everyone has their own experiences with dating. Some have that “love at first sight” situation where they find their twin flame and realize that they met the one that they will be with the rest of their life. I hear all about love stories of people who find their perfect person for them. You watch their relationship grow and manifest into this beautiful work of art. Very harmonious “Patrick Swayze, Demi Moore form Ghost pottery scene” type of art. It’s something to strive for as someone looking to settle down and live a life with someone you care about, love and cherish.
For others, such as myself, it’s not always easy. I find myself hitting dead-end dates that end very quickly. I find myself with a “tf” look on my face frequently and I ask myself “surely I am NOT the only one feeling the same way”. Like “WTF is going on with modern dating these days.” I guess I get what I pay for. Free dating apps usually bring on free loaders. Both monetarily and emotionally. I’ve experienced both. So I was going to do a Facebook rant on this but soon I realized that this is more than just a Facebook post. This deserves it’s own dedicated blog post shedding some light on the modern dead-end dates and what we can do to avoid these situations so we are not wasting our time.
So, the first thing that usually happens is what I like to call the “encounter”. I can’t call this “the meeting” because usually the first encounter in the modern day dating scene is on an app. Most of the time it’s a free one that practically begs you to buy premium which most of us don’t. Sorry . Either we swipe right and we match or we like each other, depending on the app. Then the battle of wills begins: “who will message first”.
Once contact is initiated we begin the common conversation starters. “Hey, How are you?”, “Hi”, “Hello” and “sup” are the most commonly used openers. This usually prompts: “I’m good, how are you?” or “Hi”, “Hello” back and “nothing much, you?”. Where the conversation goes from here may determine whether or not the conversation ends from this point. Sometimes I have the typical “Working”, “Just woke up and getting ready for work” or “running errands”. Even “just woke up” is an acceptable answer. I can work with all of those. As a matter of fact, I can pretty much work with any of those answers along with most others. It’s when the “suggestive” response is made that I immediately want to vomit. “Nothing much, just in bed, RELAXING *insert fade out echo*. This is a “hard” truth, a “stiff drink” if you will. My dude wants help “relaxing”. I immediately know what this guy is about and prefer not get involved in a “hot and steamy” sexting operation while I’m at work or going about my day. Save it for Grindr buddy. I usually either block or just stop responding. Let his ego, or should I say Dgo deflate a little.
I was going to mark this as part of communication. However, this alone deserves its own spot in the “blogging paragraph” sun. The pictures are primarily the most common reason why dating gets so exhausting. When I decide to message you, I want to talk. I want to know about your interest, your hobbies, your aspirations. Any pictures I want to be sent are funny face pics, pics of you pet or something you cooked. I don’t care about looks as much as I car about personality. However, a lot of the time, guys have other things in mind. It isn’t too long after communication is initiated that you get “any more pics”. I already know what kind of “pics” they are requesting. I am 100% honest with you when I say, I don’t have a single “D” pic on my phone. I don’t do it. Now, its not because it’s something to be ashamed of because it’s not. I am average in size. HOWEVER, I don’t feel I need to disclose this to anyone three mins in the conversation. That means I already know what head you’re thinking with and I am not about it. Keep pestering and I’ll be googling images of vaginas. “SOME OF YOU MAY DIE, but it’s a sacrifice, I am willing to make.”
You would think that we were well on our way to getting to know each other more. However, this is not the case. More than likely the conversation never makes it past the exchanging of greetings before one of us go MIA. This may happen 1-4,964 times before maybe an actual conversation happens. On the rare occasion that this happens, you will most likely forget about that person or the person completely forgets all about you. Then, it’s basically like you’re starting all over again.
Should you get passed the exhausting conversation and picture part of meeting someone, now comes the (maybe) exciting part of the progression of modern dating. “The exchange” this means the exchanging of personal info. Last name, Email, Telephone, Socials…etc. This could be a very exciting moment, this person clearly wants to continue the conversation. They see something in you that makes them want to know you more. We, however, are not out of the dating woods. This could very-well mean that they legit want to get to know you more. OTHER TIMES, they want to promote their social media. They have this dream to be an influencer or they want to sell you a product. I am not about to get wrapped up in that rollercoaster. I am not buying your product, I am not supporting your social media content. I am looking to get to know you, as a person. If you are selling or promoting you can look elsewhere. That’s not what I am trying to date you for. Remember this about me, I kick Girl Scouts (not really, but I feel like it sometimes) and I love their cookies. I want to talk to you because I am interested in you, not your company or your OnlyFans.
So, if by some miracle we get passed those stages we finally get to probably the most important stage. “The Meeting”. This is the make or break of any dating situation. Not the meeting itself, that will come later but its the act of actually meeting that can be the issue at hand. When I decide to meet with someone, I like making plans right then. I also like keeping those plans. Meaning I plan around it. I prepare for it. I make it a point to make it enjoyable. I am not talking about a hook up, I mean an actual date: Restaurant, Movies, Walks in the park…etc. Not talking about “netflix and chill” especially on the first date. I am all for a home cooked meal and a movie for a third, hell even the second date if the first one goes well. I am just not into one night stands if I am looking to date. Get your rocks off on Grindr, then meet me at Texas Roadhouse. It a lot of times never get to that point unfortunately in the modern dating scene.
Momentary Lapse of Reason
I talk a good game but if I am feeling someone and we have a good vibe, who knows where the night will end up. I have been known to let my guard down… Many times. We are all human, we crave human contact, it’s normal. I am ok with that, in this day and age, if we end up in bed on the first date, as long as there are no regrets then there is nothing more that needs to be upset over. If I am really feeling a good vibe with someone and we are back at his place then well, so be it. However, the reason why I am so apprehensive about this is the days that follow. I am not talking about an STD.
The Day’s That Follow
Ok, we did it (DORA). We made it through the beginning dating road blocks and we dodged eached one. We finally narrowed it down to a potential date. Someone who completely respected everyone of your requests which was hardly a difficult task for someone who is also looking for a possible long term relationship. That being said, there seems to be this odd shift that takes place after the date that confuses even the brightest of human beings. It’s like there’s this shift that takes place in the minds of the person you go on the date with. The texts get fewer, the talks get shorter, and the free time is less free. You get answers like “I have just been really busy lately”, “Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention to my phone” “Sorry, my great uncles, cats great uncle passed away”… You put up with it for a while before the flags start showing like an SOS signal. Either we choose to be in denial, or we try and compromise and mould ourselves to be something we are not because we want to make them us.
Some of you lucky bastards are like “Well, F***’em”. I’d like to say I am that strong, but it takes a whole lot more to get me to say that. After a while, our wheels turn enough that we begin to FINALLY question why all those second dates are cancelled. Once we do, we start another bogus list of reasons.
Most recently in my dating career, I had a guy that I went on a date with in San Antonio, TX. I thought the date went SUPER well. I mean, I thought the vibe was amazing. He was telling me how awesome of a date it was. He expressed is want to meet me again, maybe to even get a hotel here in Austin to maybe stay over. I was all for it. However, by the time I got home from San Antonio, the energy immediately shifted. He became someone else. I thought to myself “what did I do?”, “what did I do wrong?”. He gave the excuse “I just don’t know what I need right now” Ok, which is fine. I told him: “he can let me know when he figures that out and if I am not seeing anyone when he does, we can start back up” until then, I would be ok with being friends. Then he got defensive and twisting it to where I am in the wrong. Giving me a sob story about why he was not talking much, but then said: “I didn’t really convey my feelings right I guess, but I understand” and “….got it” then when I asked him what he meant and that he can tell me his feelings he proceeds to tell me: “I am just trying to take a shower, Man”. That was the “I’m done” moment. That was my “Well, F***’em” moment. That was my “This is why I don’t date” moment.
I need to know from the men and women who do this. Why do you get off on this? Is it like this unspoken game that some of you are in that others know nothing about? Is it true that there is no such thing as monogamy and settling down in the dating world of gay men anymore?
No, it’s a legit question. Does anyone have the answer to this? I feel that there’s a cheat code that I need to put in. Something that I am missing. I will be honest, I am new to dating. My only relationship was 6 months. I have no real experience in this so it’s discouraging that I can’t get off the ground with a real sustaining relationship and sometimes I feel that it’s a lost art or I am a lost cause. Before I turn into the first male nun, I need to figure this out. What sorcery can I perform to change the trajectory of the path of the dating life into my favor?
What I plan to do is this:
- Not Give Up: I know there has to be love out there somewhere for me. It just gets so exhausting when so many attempts fail. I have to not let it get to me. Whether it is my body, my personality, my values that scare people off, at the end of the day, there has to be someone out there who understands and cares for my flaws and will like me more for them.
- Stop with the free dating apps: I know for many people, they have had plenty of success with them. However, I am not one of those statistics it seems. I may try my hand at the paid dating sites. My hope is that people who are financially invested in dating would be more into the idea of serious dating and being in a serious relationship.
- Not join a convent: Yea, I was talking shit. I don’t plan to do that. That sounds exhausting and I talk way too much to be able to survive a vow of silence.
- Not take it to heart: I know that everyone is on their own path. I am just an intersection. I may not be going the same path they are going nor may I be in the same situation they are in. My goal is not not judge these people regardless on how much it may hurt. San Antonio guy has a life. Has a career. Has things on his plate and probably battles that I don’t know.
- Focus on me: I cringed typing that. As disgustingly cliche as that saying is, it’s true. If I focus on myself and make sure I am the best person I can be, it would be easier to find someone with that same energy. They will flow in the same wave as I do and we’ll connect and make a relationship form if it is meant to.
I hope this helps shed some light on my feelings of the dating world. I am not anti-dating nor am I anti-free dating apps. I am just giving my experience with them. I hope it changes. While this is coming from the view of a gay man, it Is not the case for everyone. The dating scene maybe better for some then it is for others. This is just one mans perspective.
Take what you will, leave the rest. Love y’all!