Like a creek flowing through the meadow, trickling live artwork of tranquility. Then, without mercy, heavy rains force this ever flowing beauty. It causes the creek to overflow and turn a once beautiful meadow into a valley and mayhem.
I like to think of this comparison when I try to take control of my life.
Living the life of recovery, I have realized one thing: There is someone or something guiding my life. It’s leading me down the path of life through its many twists and turns.
When I want something, it’s so hard for me not to take control and try to make it how I want it. In the past I forced my hand in situation only to gain a 50/50 result. There were times where it worked out, and other times when I fell flat on my face
Control
I can’t help but think about the time when I tried to drink responsibly after going down the path of no return. Stents in rehab meant nothing because this time was different. I tried to lie to myself and say that I had control over my drinking and I can be like the social drinkers. Slowly but surely however it was proven that I could not. Between the drinking and drugs I found myself back in the hole that I brought myself out of.
I realized that I never filled that hole back in with common f**king sense.
After living my life with over a year in sobriety I’ve found myself feeling complacent in my life. Even though so many things are happening in my life for the good since moving to Austin, I still feel like I need to do more. To force more success.
I have to catch myself every effing’ time and to sit back and relax. Most recently, my partner and I have decided to make the jump to move in together. We are in the process of house/condo/apartment hunting and while it’s happening in a steady pace I find myself wanting to rush things a long.
Some personal things have led to the need to find a home sooner than planned. Being me naturally, I am trying to get it done yesterday.
Relax
Now, more than ever, it’s the time to sit back and let things fall into place and stop trying to fit a corner puzzle piece in the the middle and expect the rest of the puzzle to be complete. It takes time to finish a puzzle and if I try to complete it without fitting the pieces where they need to go, it will make the puzzle chaotic and lack sense and meaning. Much like how I see life going every time I try to force my unsteady and naive.
The “Powers That Be” know what they’re doing. They’ve had practice since the beginning of time so they are clearly the experts.
In the end, I am human and like to take control. However, the best control I could ever have is to give it over. Control the situation by making the best decision possible and STOP.
To let go of control…
Ending.
Mostly I wrote this entry to help center my feelings of anxiety and situational depression. I realized trying to gain control caused me to lose control in other ways. My emotions started to unravel and my feelings started to get in the way of enjoying this period in my life. I mean, I am moving in with my boyfriend! This should be a special moment and I wasn’t allowing myself to feel it. I was allowing my need for control steal the joy away from me.
So I’ve decided I will just let things come and go as they are meant too.
No use creating a rain storm when the creek doesn’t need to water.