When I think back on where my life has taken me in the last year, I am riddled with mixed emotions. At times I hate that I missed so much time away from family, from friends, from life. Yet, on the flip side, I wouldn’t have gotten where I am today if not. Life has changed so much and I wouldn’t change it back for the world. I wish I realized what I needed before going through everything that I did. I may have gotten started earlier. However, I probably still wouldn’t be where I am now still. So, it sometimes is the journey along with the destination. A journey shapes us for our destination, for our destiny.

I wanted to write a few things that life has taught me this past year. I am equally as grateful for the ups as I am for the downs. Maybe this will help someone who is struggling with purpose or battling with the inability to have gratitude in life. This is merely a self-reflection on my reality and my human experience this past year. DISCLAIMER: This is not a COVID post. COVID is SO 2020. This is merely a 2021 outlook on my life.

I Can’t Lie to Myself

When I got out of rehab my second to the last time, I tried to lie to myself, again. I told myself I was ok. I tried to deny the inner pain and insecurities that I felt but hadn’t dealt with. I should have known with the cloudiness I felt with my spiritual practices, that something was messed up within my being. I can tell when I am on the right track when I feel my higher powers connection. My second to the last time in treatment I found myself lost but pretending I knew where I was emotionally. It was all a lie that I tried to tell myself. But I was not ok. I was a time bomb waiting to blow and there was bound to be casualties.

When I finally snapped this last time, the shame got to me where it wanted me. I wanted to die. I wanted to drink myself into darkness’s oblivion and wait to see the light of the afterlife if the light was even where I was destined to be. I hid behind a calm demeanor and a smile. If I looked myself in the mirror and told myself the truth I wouldn’t have gotten to such a low point. I guess, however, the lowest points that we get down in, makes the highest peaks that we reach become that much more rewarding. Anything else both low and high would have been nothing compared to the daring feat I walked through prior.

I am NOT invincible.

December 2021 started off great. Just freshly back from visiting family in Delaware for Thanksgiving. Now I was refreshed and ready for the rest of the year. I had been working two full time jobs for a while and I was chugging a long working 80-90hours a week. I felt good so great about it, I was racking up money to pay off bills. That was until I woke up with both feet and hands swollen.

My body had enough. I have been in and out of the ER and Doctors offices. I have had to fire a rheumatologist because he stated there wasn’t enough evidence but the one I had in Delaware has it documented that it was PsA. Still dealing with the pain even now in 2022. My doctor believes it’s a combination of issues. Psoriatic Arthritis, Unspecified Myalgia and Raynaud’s. I am trying to get medication but it’s tricky if the Rheumatologist feels that there’s not enough evidence to prove a diagnosis, thus, approving the medication would be impossible without one.

I thought that I was perfectly fine working long hours. However, I am not invincible nor am I a robot so by body had other plans. The human body needs its’ sleep. Without it, the body will make you slow down.

Change is Scary… But Doable

If you told me this time last year that I would be sitting in the center of Austin, TX with a Starbucks coffee in my hand writing a blog post about my journey to get here, I wouldn’t have believed you. Alas, hear I sit. Watching people go about their lives. Each person I see I know has some kind of problems that they face everyday. It can be scary, especially when you’re faced with changes that can completely uproot your life. That is what I had to face to get here. I am safe, I am healthy for the most part, I have a job, a place to live, a car to drive, food too eat…

ALOT OF FOOD. AUSTIN HAS SOOO MUCH FOOD…

All of these things that I still have even through I was so afraid of failure. I was afraid of the unknown that change can bring. Change is doable and it all you have to do is make the move. If there is something that you are looking to change but you’re too afraid to take the leap understand; that even if you sit right where you are, the path is still unknown. Why not have a little fun with it. Embrace the change.

I Can have Fun Sober

The reason I decided to try sober living as my first jump off point, is the benefits it brings. Some people most certainly had life worse off than me. I was never in trouble with the law, I never had a strong addiction to drugs. Mine was that I just liked to drink… like, A LOT. Sober living has helped me with accountability to stay sober and figure out life the way humanity was meant to. Free from mind-altering substances to escape my problems. Instead, face them with pure raw emotion. Pain is a part of sobriety unfortunately. There are, however a lot of perks and I was able to experience those living here.

I took a trip to Galveston, TX a few months ago. I was suppose to go with a couple girlfriends of mine. We reserved an Airbnb and had plans for a beach day. However, plans fell through on their end and it left me with a decision to make. Do I cancel the reservation and have to pay the fees associated? I decided to go by myself. I didn’t want to waste the money. I paid money to the ones who helped pay for the reservation and off I went. I think it was the best decision that they could have made because it rained the whole time. However, I did something I did not originally intended to do.

Naturally, when we get somewhere by ourselves, as social creatures, usually, we are meant to meet new people to not make the trip lonely. Unless that’s what you’re looking to do. However, when I had plans to go with friends that was my company. Suddenly I was in this house by myself. I needed community. How was I going to do it?

Gay men feel the same way, however, we do it a little differently. I met this guy on an app who invited me out to a local bar on the beach. He was actually the bar back for this bar and, though I was apprehensive of the idea because I was still in sober living and I have never been in the bar scene in quite some time. That being said, I didn’t want to be cooped up in the house the whole time so I made the decision to go. I spent the whole night drinking club soda and lime chatting with this guy, friends of his, karaoke was done, new people were met. We shut the bar down and I was 100% sober. I had so much fun even though I didn’t have a single mind altering substance to get me there. I was confident and happy to get in my car to drive, to get a UA when I returned to the house, to go through the whole process knowing that you are 100% in the right. Also, to be invited back on multiple occasions shows me that I am not as awkward sober as I thought. I am still a social butterfly.

My Higher Power

People have this fear that every time we mess up or hit a stumbling block we lose our ability to connect with our higher power. Some even feel as though our higher power leaves us and chooses not to connect with us unless we prove ourselves worthy. I don’t believe either. I don’t believe we lose our higher power because that power lives within us. We choose to put our focus in other things that gets us to lose sight of that power but the power is not severed now are we in time out.

I realized after being sober for a while that I just needed a clear head and conscience to connect. The spirit that I am always drawn to and connect with is stronger than it ever has been. It is exhausting even at times. For those atheist and agnostics please think of this your inner power within. I am not here to preach of a man in the clouds because I don’t believe in that either. I simply suggest that the thing we hold tight to in midst of trouble is something that is never going to leave us. We just change our focus from its leading. Whether it be spiritual or that inner rationalization. The focus provides the power.

The Support

One of the things that has shocked me throughout this whole ordeal is the amount of support I had behind me. In our darkest times we forget the people we have in our corner. At least, I did anyway. Both here in Austin and back in Delaware the amount of support I have around me is innumerable. So many people even still, to this day, have ask how I am and how life has been treating me. Old co-workers, friends, family…etc.

Living in Austin, TX, I have gained so many amazing friends. Some of the most amazing people from the most unlikely places and from all walks of life. I have met both in my recovery and also from just living here and meeting people, I have gained a pretty great network of people. The love I feel makes me remember every day how lucky I am. I am right where I need to be at the moment. I have no plans in changing my destination. Life has a way of doing that on its own. I am just grateful for the ride and the people who have joined me in it!

The Next Steps

The most exciting part about this paragraph is simple… It’s unknown. I like to take one day at a time to figure things out. It may take longer, but that’s my prerogative. The next steps are just continue to do the next right thing. I have a business that I am in the process of starting, a possible new place live, maybe a new job down the road. Either way I AM HERE FOR IT.

2021

2021 was a year of transition for sure. New accomplishments achieved, new progresses made… I never thought I would find myself living further down south. I love the seasons and thought that I would travel up north. However, such as life my throw you for a loop, I am where I need to be right now. Who knows what 2022, 2023 or even 2024 and so on will bring. All I know is right now, if this past year has taught me anything, its that I am OK.

Everyone has their own experiences with dating. Some have that “love at first sight” situation where they find their twin flame and realize that they met the one that they will be with the rest of their life. I hear all about love stories of people who find their perfect person for them. You watch their relationship grow and manifest into this beautiful work of art. Very harmonious “Patrick Swayze, Demi Moore form Ghost pottery scene” type of art. It’s something to strive for as someone looking to settle down and live a life with someone you care about, love and cherish.

For others, such as myself, it’s not always easy. I find myself hitting dead-end dates that end very quickly. I find myself with a “tf” look on my face frequently and I ask myself “surely I am NOT the only one feeling the same way”. Like “WTF is going on with modern dating these days.” I guess I get what I pay for. Free dating apps usually bring on free loaders. Both monetarily and emotionally. I’ve experienced both. So I was going to do a Facebook rant on this but soon I realized that this is more than just a Facebook post. This deserves it’s own dedicated blog post shedding some light on the modern dead-end dates and what we can do to avoid these situations so we are not wasting our time.

The Encounter

So, the first thing that usually happens is what I like to call the “encounter”. I can’t call this “the meeting” because usually the first encounter in the modern day dating scene is on an app. Most of the time it’s a free one that practically begs you to buy premium which most of us don’t. Sorry . Either we swipe right and we match or we like each other, depending on the app. Then the battle of wills begins: “who will message first”.

The Communication

Once contact is initiated we begin the common conversation starters. “Hey, How are you?”, “Hi”, “Hello” and “sup” are the most commonly used openers. This usually prompts: “I’m good, how are you?” or “Hi”, “Hello” back and “nothing much, you?”. Where the conversation goes from here may determine whether or not the conversation ends from this point. Sometimes I have the typical “Working”, “Just woke up and getting ready for work” or “running errands”. Even “just woke up” is an acceptable answer. I can work with all of those. As a matter of fact, I can pretty much work with any of those answers along with most others. It’s when the “suggestive” response is made that I immediately want to vomit. “Nothing much, just in bed, RELAXING *insert fade out echo*. This is a “hard” truth, a “stiff drink” if you will. My dude wants help “relaxing”. I immediately know what this guy is about and prefer not get involved in a “hot and steamy” sexting operation while I’m at work or going about my day. Save it for Grindr buddy. I usually either block or just stop responding. Let his ego, or should I say Dgo deflate a little.

The Pictures

I was going to mark this as part of communication. However, this alone deserves its own spot in the “blogging paragraph” sun. The pictures are primarily the most common reason why dating gets so exhausting. When I decide to message you, I want to talk. I want to know about your interest, your hobbies, your aspirations. Any pictures I want to be sent are funny face pics, pics of you pet or something you cooked. I don’t care about looks as much as I car about personality. However, a lot of the time, guys have other things in mind. It isn’t too long after communication is initiated that you get “any more pics”. I already know what kind of “pics” they are requesting. I am 100% honest with you when I say, I don’t have a single “D” pic on my phone. I don’t do it. Now, its not because it’s something to be ashamed of because it’s not. I am average in size. HOWEVER, I don’t feel I need to disclose this to anyone three mins in the conversation. That means I already know what head you’re thinking with and I am not about it. Keep pestering and I’ll be googling images of vaginas. “SOME OF YOU MAY DIE, but it’s a sacrifice, I am willing to make.”

The In & Out of Contact

You would think that we were well on our way to getting to know each other more. However, this is not the case. More than likely the conversation never makes it past the exchanging of greetings before one of us go MIA. This may happen 1-4,964 times before maybe an actual conversation happens. On the rare occasion that this happens, you will most likely forget about that person or the person completely forgets all about you. Then, it’s basically like you’re starting all over again.

The Exchange

Should you get passed the exhausting conversation and picture part of meeting someone, now comes the (maybe) exciting part of the progression of modern dating. “The exchange” this means the exchanging of personal info. Last name, Email, Telephone, Socials…etc. This could be a very exciting moment, this person clearly wants to continue the conversation. They see something in you that makes them want to know you more. We, however, are not out of the dating woods. This could very-well mean that they legit want to get to know you more. OTHER TIMES, they want to promote their social media. They have this dream to be an influencer or they want to sell you a product. I am not about to get wrapped up in that rollercoaster. I am not buying your product, I am not supporting your social media content. I am looking to get to know you, as a person. If you are selling or promoting you can look elsewhere. That’s not what I am trying to date you for. Remember this about me, I kick Girl Scouts (not really, but I feel like it sometimes) and I love their cookies. I want to talk to you because I am interested in you, not your company or your OnlyFans.

The Meeting

So, if by some miracle we get passed those stages we finally get to probably the most important stage. “The Meeting”. This is the make or break of any dating situation. Not the meeting itself, that will come later but its the act of actually meeting that can be the issue at hand. When I decide to meet with someone, I like making plans right then. I also like keeping those plans. Meaning I plan around it. I prepare for it. I make it a point to make it enjoyable. I am not talking about a hook up, I mean an actual date: Restaurant, Movies, Walks in the park…etc. Not talking about “netflix and chill” especially on the first date. I am all for a home cooked meal and a movie for a third, hell even the second date if the first one goes well. I am just not into one night stands if I am looking to date. Get your rocks off on Grindr, then meet me at Texas Roadhouse. It a lot of times never get to that point unfortunately in the modern dating scene.

Momentary Lapse of Reason

I talk a good game but if I am feeling someone and we have a good vibe, who knows where the night will end up. I have been known to let my guard down… Many times. We are all human, we crave human contact, it’s normal. I am ok with that, in this day and age, if we end up in bed on the first date, as long as there are no regrets then there is nothing more that needs to be upset over. If I am really feeling a good vibe with someone and we are back at his place then well, so be it. However, the reason why I am so apprehensive about this is the days that follow. I am not talking about an STD.

The Day’s That Follow

Ok, we did it (DORA). We made it through the beginning dating road blocks and we dodged eached one. We finally narrowed it down to a potential date. Someone who completely respected everyone of your requests which was hardly a difficult task for someone who is also looking for a possible long term relationship. That being said, there seems to be this odd shift that takes place after the date that confuses even the brightest of human beings. It’s like there’s this shift that takes place in the minds of the person you go on the date with. The texts get fewer, the talks get shorter, and the free time is less free. You get answers like “I have just been really busy lately”, “Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention to my phone” “Sorry, my great uncles, cats great uncle passed away”… You put up with it for a while before the flags start showing like an SOS signal. Either we choose to be in denial, or we try and compromise and mould ourselves to be something we are not because we want to make them us.

Some of you lucky bastards are like “Well, F***’em”. I’d like to say I am that strong, but it takes a whole lot more to get me to say that. After a while, our wheels turn enough that we begin to FINALLY question why all those second dates are cancelled. Once we do, we start another bogus list of reasons.

The Disappointment

Most recently in my dating career, I had a guy that I went on a date with in San Antonio, TX. I thought the date went SUPER well. I mean, I thought the vibe was amazing. He was telling me how awesome of a date it was. He expressed is want to meet me again, maybe to even get a hotel here in Austin to maybe stay over. I was all for it. However, by the time I got home from San Antonio, the energy immediately shifted. He became someone else. I thought to myself “what did I do?”, “what did I do wrong?”. He gave the excuse “I just don’t know what I need right now” Ok, which is fine. I told him: “he can let me know when he figures that out and if I am not seeing anyone when he does, we can start back up” until then, I would be ok with being friends. Then he got defensive and twisting it to where I am in the wrong. Giving me a sob story about why he was not talking much, but then said: “I didn’t really convey my feelings right I guess, but I understand” and “….got it” then when I asked him what he meant and that he can tell me his feelings he proceeds to tell me: “I am just trying to take a shower, Man”. That was the “I’m done” moment. That was my “Well, F***’em” moment. That was my “This is why I don’t date” moment.

I need to know from the men and women who do this. Why do you get off on this? Is it like this unspoken game that some of you are in that others know nothing about? Is it true that there is no such thing as monogamy and settling down in the dating world of gay men anymore?

The Answer?

No, it’s a legit question. Does anyone have the answer to this? I feel that there’s a cheat code that I need to put in. Something that I am missing. I will be honest, I am new to dating. My only relationship was 6 months. I have no real experience in this so it’s discouraging that I can’t get off the ground with a real sustaining relationship and sometimes I feel that it’s a lost art or I am a lost cause. Before I turn into the first male nun, I need to figure this out. What sorcery can I perform to change the trajectory of the path of the dating life into my favor?

What I plan to do is this:

1. Not Give Up: I know there has to be love out there somewhere for me. It just gets so exhausting when so many attempts fail. I have to not let it get to me. Whether it is my body, my personality, my values that scare people off, at the end of the day, there has to be someone out there who understands and cares for my flaws and will like me more for them.
   
2. Stop with the free dating apps: I know for many people, they have had plenty of success with them. However, I am not one of those statistics it seems. I may try my hand at the paid dating sites. My hope is that people who are financially invested in dating would be more into the idea of serious dating and being in a serious relationship.
   
3. Not join a convent: Yea, I was talking shit. I don’t plan to do that. That sounds exhausting and I talk way too much to be able to survive a vow of silence.
   
4. Not take it to heart: I know that everyone is on their own path. I am just an intersection. I may not be going the same path they are going nor may I be in the same situation they are in. My goal is not not judge these people regardless on how much it may hurt. San Antonio guy has a life. Has a career. Has things on his plate and probably battles that I don’t know.
   
5. Focus on me: I cringed typing that. As disgustingly cliche as that saying is, it’s true. If I focus on myself and make sure I am the best person I can be, it would be easier to find someone with that same energy. They will flow in the same wave as I do and we’ll connect and make a relationship form if it is meant to.

I hope this helps shed some light on my feelings of the dating world. I am not anti-dating nor am I anti-free dating apps. I am just giving my experience with them. I hope it changes. While this is coming from the view of a gay man, it Is not the case for everyone. The dating scene maybe better for some then it is for others. This is just one mans perspective.

Take what you will, leave the rest. Love y’all!