The Journey, The Struggle, The 2021 Rebuttal

As some of you know, as some may not, a lot has changed in my life recently which caused me to put a stop to a lot of things that I enjoyed. The blog, the podcast, the music.. etc. All have taken a back seat while I reevaluate and I feel I am almost there.

Not too long after my last podcast and blog post I relapsed in a major way, sending my life in a tailspin of emotional hydroplaning. I wanted to die. There was no coming back from it. I felt at peace with it. I wanted the noise to stop. I found myself broken in my 7th rehab just at a loss for words. Shame gripped me like vice grips with only one mission. That being to get tighter.

However, just as quickly as shame crept into my very tattered and fixated mind, another thing crept in and this was something that was not indented. Hope. After wanting so bad to die, being at deaths door and the dead bolts unlocking, I dingdong ditched my fate into the realm of tenacity. When death answered, I was nowhere in sight. I ran away hidden by the cloche of reality. I wanted to live!

This time was different for me (which I hope to my higher power I am not to eat those words). Something clicked and I wanted so much more with my life. Something that I can hold on to that I could call mine but different.

I had to unfortunately say goodbye to so many things in my life. So many things that gave me joy but could no longer served me in this stage of my life. Some were easier than others. Some were gut wrenching. I lost friends over my substance abuse. Which is sad on both sides. Lack of neutrality and empathy. Selfishness on both sides. All played a part in the friendships demise but I accept it.

I am now living in Austin, Texas. I would have never thought in a million years that I would end up here. Living with 12 other guys, trying to start a business, knocking on 8 months sober. The level of gratitude for where my life has taken me in such a short time, no words could give an accurate description of my feeling. Sure I have bad days. Sure I get moody, upset.. etc. Yes, I do have cravings. However, I make a conscious decision to not do it.

There was no format to this writing. No script of dialog. Just word dumping and heart opening about what’s been going on in my life. Some will understand, others won’t and that’s ok. The only person I am around 24/7 is me. As long as I understand and love myself, the rest can either fall in place, or exit stage left.

“Moving” On…

Today I say goodbye to my home of 5 years. It is hard to believe that I have been on my own for that long. It seems just yesterday that I was living at home, rent free and with no concept of responsibility. It was definitely something that took getting use to and I don’t regret anything about the journey.

This move, however, was very bitter sweet. I did not expect to leave at this time in my life but it was something that had to be done. Much like the key above, I have gone through a lot in those years. Some of which were great times, others were detrimental to my mental sanity and even more, my life. It took a lot for me to admit that I needed to say goodbye to this little cozy apartment on Liberty ST.

The Early Years:

I can remember the excitement of moving. The amount of actual independence made things surreal. “Wow, it’s finally happening” I said loading up my car with the small amount of things I was taking with me. With the help of some people who were friends at the time, I would be moved in on July 1st 2017.

Final load from my Mom’s house to my new apartment.

It took some adjusting, a lot of physical exhaustion and mixed emotions, but I finally made the jump. It didn’t take long to get adjusted and settled into the new place with this new found freedom.

I was able to make my own mark on this little home with the resources available to me at the time. Things really came together and I never felt more pleased with the decision to take that leap of faith so many fear to jump into. I was not the one to fear this change. I only feared whether or not I would be able to handle living paycheck to paycheck working two jobs to pay for all my bills and still have some money to live off of. Somehow I made it work with the hand that I was dealt.

Friends and Family:

It felt so great to have so many different friends and family members come in to visit and check out the new pad.

With all these memories came a lot of heartbreak. Failed relationships, a sexual assault, isolation, stalking…etc. Enough to drive a person to drink which is what I did. EVERY DAY. I could barely function through a single day without needing to get trashed by the end of the night. So I knew that something had to be done for the sake of my sanity.

While I was away dealing with my alcoholism, I had to think of a new game plan moving forward. A buddy of mine whom I have known for years was looking to ease his financial burden as was I. After discussing it with him, I made the decision to move in which would help us both out. Financially and emotionally.

Finally, after taking some time to think it over, I made the decision to move in with him, thus, helping us both out. This took a lot of self-reflection but to help control the drinking, and the isolation, it was the only option. So, as of today I am now a resident of the City of Wilmington. It’s taking some adjustments but, I think I made the right decision.

Out with the old:

In with the new:

With this new change, I am hoping, this will be one of many new changes that are happening in my life and I can’t wait to see what those changes will bring.

We waste so much time worrying about the what if’s. It’s time we take a good hard look at our life and say; “what now”.

Gus Glaros. The Life Addicts’ Podcast.

Thank you to everyone who has stood by me through my dark times and also my best times. It won’t be forgotten!